merry christmas from 2007

yup, it's that time again. ladies and gentlemen, the most despicable example of exploitation you'll ever see...Elvis Presley shortly before he died

Merry Christmas You Stupid Whore

Christmas 2007. Sir decided he wanted to "just be friends" and to pursue a non D/s relationship with a woman whose pictures he just had to send me. Naked pictures as well. That was my 2007 Christmas - being told I wasn't good enough and "look - here's the girl who is. see? here's her picture."

It didn't work out. After the New Year, he wanted me back.

I've been "not good enough" but kept around "just in case" enough times to justify

every

single

moment

of

self hatred.

vague

Nothing is sequential here and it all seems made up somehow. I left my job the first week in January under medical leave. I was asked to sign something which was illegal in exchange for unemployment, I started to work as a web cam whore fucking myself with toys and smiling and doing things I would never have done at another point in time. Sir met another sub and wanted the she and I to begin talking and we did. It was odd but it went smoothly I suppose. Nothing seems right in this recollection. I remember feeling lost. I was writing, submitting short stories, someone said that it was unrealistic and I felt that they were probably right and the balloon sort of popped.

There's more here. Why is it so vague? I was becoming a thing. A thing to these men at $2.99 per minute. A thing to Sir. A thing to myself. I would secretly look for ways to talk to the writer who was the original thing-maker but who I still thought of as "Daddy"...because I never had a real father I could depend on.

I wasn't saying any of this to anyone. I was popping speed and smiling on web cam for strangers, for Sir, for his other sub, for "my Daddy"....and I was in so much pain. It was happening really fast. And it seems to be purposefully vague in memory.

my soul for $2.99 a minute

I've been thinking about this for a month and I guess it's just never going to come back, the details I mean. In January of 2007 I left my job. My hair was falling out. I was a mess. I was unable to handle the stress and I was taking a lot of speed. I wanted to write, I wanted to be something, anything but what I was doing.

I didn't plan on being a web cam whore. But that's what happened. Any dignity that I had left, any self esteem that hadn't been trampled by "doms" and my god wasn't I complicit half the time, anything beautiful about me would be gone within a month. I wrote about it on the ALT blog with all the humor and wit that people had come to expect of girlnumber4 or girlonastring or whatever I was calling myself. But whoever I really was, that girl was long gone. I joined a BDSM "dating/fuck" site because I was curious and tired of living in my head with sex. I thought the same rules were going to apply - that intimacy was actualy intimacy and not manipulation. That intimacy and sex created a bond of some kind.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and think "what happened to you?". But not that often.

just knock if you can hear me